Read it. Wipe it. Flush it. Finally, a news feed with a useful ending.
Introducing Toilet Times™, the smart toilet-paper dispenser that prints fresh news as you pull. Catch up on the world, finish your business, and send the whole cycle swirling away. Your morning briefing now comes with perforations.
A fictional product from Not Fake Store. This is satire, not a functioning device or an item available for purchase.
A toilet-paper printer for a world full of crap
You already read the news on the toilet. Toilet Times simply asks the obvious question: why are you holding two separate things?
Our imaginary wall-mounted dispenser turns an ordinary bathroom break into a live newsroom. Fresh headlines print directly onto the paper as you pull it from the slot. Read the latest developments, tear at the perforation, wipe, and flush that shit away. No doomscrolling required. The feed actually ends.
How Toilet Times works
- Pull: Request a fresh strip of news with the same motion you already know.
- Read: Skim the headlines, investigate a developing story, or discover that the world remains spectacularly ridiculous.
- Wipe: Give the editorial page a practical purpose.
- Flush: Clear your feed with one satisfying handle pull.
Unlike a roll of preprinted jokes, this fictional gadget actively prints new news. Yesterday’s headlines stay in yesterday’s sewer. Today’s bathroom break gets today’s nonsense.
Features nobody asked for, but everyone understands
- Pull-to-Print™: Stop refreshing your screen. Start refreshing your roll.
- Breaking News Mode: For urgent developments in both world affairs and your lower intestine.
- Two-Ply Journalism: One layer for the headline. One layer for your peace of mind.
- Long Read Mode: For investigative pieces and questionable burrito decisions.
- Opinion Section: Finally, an appropriate destination for hot takes.
- Flush-to-Forget™: No bookmarks. No notifications. No argument with a stranger in the comments.
Choose your bathroom briefing
The Morning Edition: A quick overview before work. Enough information to say “Did you see the news?” without sacrificing your entire morning.
The Financial Dump: Stocks down? Costs up? Take comfort in knowing at least one thing is moving predictably.
The Sports Section: Scores, trades, and another expert explaining why this is definitely your team’s year.
The Extended Edition: A generous length of reading material for those who announced “I’ll be right back” twenty minutes ago.
Frequently flushed questions
Is Toilet Times a real product?
No. Toilet Times is a satirical smart-dispenser concept from Not Fake Store. The image is an imagined product mockup, not a photograph of a working prototype.
Is it just newspaper wrapped around a toilet roll?
No—that would be yesterday’s news with today’s plumbing problem. The joke is a dispenser that prints fresh stories onto toilet paper on demand.
Does it print the comments?
Absolutely not. Even an imaginary toilet has standards.
Can I choose which news gets printed?
In our fictional product universe, yes. Choose the stories you want to read before giving them the send-off they deserve.
Should I actually put newspaper or printer paper in my toilet?
No. This is a joke about toilet paper. Do not flush newspaper, printer paper, or wipes, and do not treat this concept as instructions for modifying a real bathroom dispenser.
The news cycle finally has an exit
Your phone keeps you scrolling. Toilet Times gets you moving. It’s the imaginary bathroom gadget for anyone who thinks modern news deserves a shorter shelf life and a more honest disposal system.
Toilet Times™ — Breaking news. Then breaking wind.
Explore more questionable innovations at Not Fake Store, home of 100% Real Imaginary Goods.
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